It turned out that in my adoption file, they had the original Bookboo police box report and in that report was Mrs. Kim's full name. When I visited the police station, I asked them to look her up. We found her. After my social worker contacted her, she said she wanted to meet with me.
I arranged with the social workers and the tour program to meet with her the very next day. I immediately called my mom and dad and told them I would soon meet with her. They were very happy and excited for me. I wished that they could be with me for the meeting. I had so many anxieties about meeting her but I also knew that I would forever regret it if I didn't do it.
Through her, I found out the whole truth about what happened to me. I learned that Mrs. Kim is my birth father's eldest brother's wife -- my aunt on my birth father's side by marriage. The day we met, I could tell as I walked through the door that she was carrying a ton of guilt. The look on her face told me that she thought I was going to resent her for giving me up. But I didn't resent her in the least.
In fact, my emotions were of extreme happiness to finally be able to see her and hold her hand. I immediately burst into tears as I saw her for the first time and I just grabbed her and held her tight. She too was very tearful, telling me in Korean, 'you have the same big eyes that you did when you were little.' She kept touching my arm and my hair, sizing me up and down every second. She couldn't let go of my hand. I felt like that small child all over again, all I wanted to do was be held by her like she used to when I was a toddler. All I could do was cry out all of my emotions of frustration for the past 23 years -- always wondering who I am and who did I come from? I wanted to be close to her and get to know her, but it was very difficult because of the language barrier. We had two social workers translating for us so she was eventually able to tell me everything.
After our meeting I went upstairs to clear my thoughts and I saw a triangle of birds that flew over the tops of the trees. I took that as a sign from God, that He planned things this way and I said a prayer to thank Him for answering my pleas.
What happened to me 23 years ago is a very difficult story to share, but here is a brief summary. My birth father and birth mother were married when they had me, and during their marriage my birth father was never home. He was always out and ended up with another woman. He also never gave my birth mother any money for living expenses. He would bring her some bare necessities from time to time. She became pregnant with my younger sister and things became very difficult. She did not have any family at the time, so she left me at my birth father's mother's home in the middle of the night while I was sleeping and never said a word to anyone.
I was then placed with my aunt and uncle because he is the eldest son and the eldest son is responsible for the entire family. My aunt, Mrs. Kim, cared for me for about four months and during that period she tried hard to get him to take responsiblity for me but it always fell upon her in the end. Her family at the time was very poor so she could not take me in as her own.
I was told by her that my birth father passed away ten years ago, and he maintained a very distant relationship with his side of the family since his divorce from my birth mother. They did, however, find me on the family registry along with my birth mother.
Now I have my birth mother's name, and I am trying to locate her and let her know that I am waiting to meet her again. The process is very long, very slow, and it's hard to be patient when I am so close to finding her.
Through this search, and during my trip to Korea, I have been turning my thoughts to God more often, and I am beginning to trust in Him a little more each day. I think I have a cookie cutter image of being a Christian. I am very afraid if I commit myself to God fully that I will fail. The fear of failure and rejection is still a very big thing to overcome, even when it comes to God's promises. I know that I have a long journey ahead of me in discovering my past, present and future. In that journey, I hope to overcome my fears and replace them with hopes and dreams to walk with the Lord some day, in trust and at peace.
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